500 days (2)

i left my computer downstairs because, even though i took notes throughout the day, i was gonna just miss this day and call it quits. i mean by now we know, self-sabotage and me are best buds.

i think if i tell a story, we’ll get somewhere tonight. okay, let’s try this.

most of my electronics are falling apart and i don’t know what to do with them. i want to be able to fix them but i’m not smart enough for it yet. that’s what i keep telling myself –i’m not smart enough for this yet. my computer has a blue line (of death) running across it and i tried to ask the men in blue to help me with it but they could only misgender me in calculated and specific and subtle ways / see right through me / tell me that the truth about me and what i earn isn’t true at all. i got a new phone because i need to be an adult now and the first thing they told me is, why would you choose this? this isn’t the way to do adulthood, you should’ve chosen the driver’s license or college or anything but what you thought you could handle. and the phone doesn’t work, locks me out. it won’t let me change it to what i need it to be. i think you can see the edge of what i’m trying to unravel here. i tried to tell and do the truth of me but was told it was wrong, i pulled too many lessons and metaphors from my day to days and of course i’m stuck. all those words and connections and stories i’ve told to make it make some kind of sense. it doesn’t make sense. when will it make sense. will it ever matter if it does.

i’m only halfway there. what i should tell you is, i tried to make the phone work because i’m not getting messages, sometimes people aren’t getting message from me, but i never know it. this whole time i thought i had broken relationships but its possible it was just a broken phone. what i should tell you is that i don’t have to tell you anything at all. my mania is catching up with me, i made a lot of promises and goals i can’t keep and cannot reach and i’m not good at keeping up my extensions. i mean, ask me to bend and look at my inability masked refusal. what i can tell you is that i regret even before i act and i don’t know how to remove and purge that setting. i mean, i can already tell how heavy embarrassed i’ll be when i remember this tomorrow. this post and everything else too. i don’t want to talk but i don’t always speak when i’m supposed to and at least here, i know i have to show up. i’m not asking anyone to be in the audience, God please don’t be in the audience, i just needed a stage and the house lights turned low. i just needed a stage to step onto and a theatre to hollow. i meant to tell you a story here, but i’m stuck in intermission. maybe i’ll find better throats to sing you with. maybe i’ll figure this out better when i’m not sleepy and confused and wanting but hoping time will stay still enough for me to wait. did you notice i turned off the applause. did you notice i turned off and the stage applauded each closing step.

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